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Is it okay to be assertive?

Being assertive is a way of speaking up for yourself. It means talking clearly about what you want and don't want. It helps you solve problems and cooperate with others.

When you're assertive, you express yourself honestly and directly. The people around you understand you better, and you have more meaningful relationships.

Speaking up for yourself will not solve every problem, and people may still disagree with you at times. However, being assertive shows that you take your needs seriously.

Being assertive is not only okay, it is a good idea.

Being assertive can feel scary at first, but it helps you live well. Speaking up for yourself makes you more likely to get what you need and feel good.

It is not always safe to be assertive, like with someone who has hurt you or hit you before. If you don't feel safe, reach out for support. Learn about the many types of support available in the Neve section on Support (internal link).

Assertive or aggressive?

Assertive and aggressive people speak up in very different ways.

Being assertive is about direct communication. You respect yourself and you respect others too. It allows everyone involved to express their needs and opinions without ignoring the rights of others.

Assertive communication is:

  • Clear.
  • Calm.
  • Often brief.
  • About what the speaker wants and needs.
  • Curious about what the other person wants, too.

Aggressive people are forceful. They demand what they want at the expense of other people's rights and feelings.

Aggressive communication can be:

  • Angry. The speaker may shout and swear.
  • Emotional. The person listening may feel guilty, scared or upset.
  • Long. The aggressive person may talk a lot. They might talk about past events, as well as what's happening now.
  • Full of blame. The aggressive person might accuse the other person of doing the wrong thing.

Assertive or passive?

Being passive is the opposite of being assertive. Passive people:

  • Don't say what they think and need.
  • Would rather avoid conflict than speak up for themselves.

Passive people don't like upsetting others but it can make them frustrated and resentful. They might know what they want, but they don't do anything to get it.

Some people with intellectual disabilities may agree or say yes to questions as a way of coping with stress. This is different from being passive.

The person may want to hide the fact that they don't understand. Maybe they don't want to get into trouble. You can learn more in Inclusion Australia's Inclusion-Power-and-Trust-a-Guide.pdf (external link).

Why speak up for yourself?

Speaking up for yourself has many advantages. It can:

  1. Reduce stress. When you are honest and open, you have less conflict and stress later.
  2. Make you feel good about yourself. When you speak up for yourself, you are more likely to get respect from others. You feel confident and worthy.
  3. Help you get what you need. Assertive people say what they need. If a situation is unfair, they work to change it.
  4. Help you cope. Assertive people have better coping skills. They can handle problems. They can ask for what they need, even when times are tough.

How to be more assertive

If you struggle to speak up for yourself, remember it's a skill you can learn. Here are some tips to help you get started.

Use "I" statements. Start your sentences with "I" not "You". Instead of saying, "You make me feel sad when..." say, "I feel sad when...". That way, you can express your emotions without blaming the other person. They are more likely to respond well.

Be clear. Say what you want or need. Be specific. Keep it brief: it will help the other person focus on your message.

Listen to others. Be curious about what the other person thinks, feels and wants. 

Set boundaries. Say no to things you don't want. For example, you could say, "I won't talk to you if you keep yelling. Let's take a break." It can ensure that your rights are respected.

Use confident body language. Think about how to use your body to communicate confidence. You could:

  • Make eye contact.
  • Stand or sit up straight.
  • Use hand movements.
  • Speak in a firm voice.

See a counsellor. If you struggle to speak up for yourself, get professional help. A counsellor can help you learn how to be more assertive.

1800 RESPECT

If you experience violence or abuse you can contact 1800 RESPECT for support and counselling.
Call 1800 737 732 or go to the 1800 RESPECT website to chat with someone online (external link).

‍To contact 1800RESPECT via SMS, text ‘HELLO’ or any greeting to 0458 737 732 to start the conversation.

Story

Thanh has been working at her current company for five years. She works hard and is an expert in her field. However, she hasn't gotten a promotion or a pay rise. Thanh knows she often avoids conflict and fails to stand up for herself. She decides to become more assertive. She begins to speak up during team meetings and performance reviews. She tells people what she did and what she wants. Her boss pays attention. Eventually, Thanh gets a promotion.

Our rights

We all have the right to live full and flourishing lives, free from violence and abuse. This section looks at the history of human rights and United Nations conventions. We also outline the rights of women and gender-diverse people with disabilities in the Australian legal system.

Find out more

Standing up for yourself

Self-advocacy involves speaking up, solving problems and taking action to help you live your best life. Here, we share tips for getting to know what you want. We explain how to stand up for yourself in a way that helps others listen and share your vision.

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Speaking up for yourself

One way to speak up for yourself is to be assertive. This means clearly and politely asking for what you need and want. Being assertive is a skill. It can help you communicate better, reduce stress, and improve your life. Here, you can learn how to speak up for yourself well.

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