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When to talk about violence

People with disabilities experience more violence than other Australians. For women with disabilities, the problem is even more common.

If you support a person with disabilities, it is a good idea to share the idea that people with disabilities should be treated with dignity and respect. They should live free from violence.

Family members, supporters and friends of people with disabilities may also be involved in conversations about violence when:

  • They suspect that the person they support may be experiencing violence. It could be from a partner or spouse, a family member, a support worker, a friend or anyone else. You can learn about how to recognise the problem on the Neve page Signs of violence (internal link).
  • The person they support behaves violently. You can learn more about coping with this difficult situation in the Neve section The person I support uses violence (internal link). It discusses violence at home and violence in public.
  • The person they support says that someone has hurt them or made them feel upset or ashamed.

How you might feel

Conversations about violence can be very challenging. You may feel:

  • Nervous
  • Scared
  • Sceptical or as if you don't know what to believe
  • Angry or upset.

Try to process your feelings before you talk to the person you support. Learn more on the Neve page What you might be thinking or feeling (internal link).

Talking about violence is challenging but necessary. When we find the courage to ask hard questions, talk about tricky subjects and seek help, we increase our ability to keep ourselves and the people we care for safe.

Some helpful tips

Have the conversation in private. You might move to a different room or wait until you and the person you want to speak with are alone.

Privacy helps keep everyone safe. Privacy may also allow people to be more honest and open with one another.

However, privacy may not be best if you want to talk to someone who has behaved violently in the past. In that case, think about what you need to stay safe. For example, you could ask another trusted person to be there for the conversation.

If you are the person starting the conversation, take some time to prepare. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Choose not to judge the person you support. Instead, plan to show respect and be kind.

Helpful ways to start the conversation include:

  • I saw that you have a bruise. It looks sore. Did someone hurt you?
  • I've noticed that you seem worried about making your partner angry. Is everything ok at home?
  • Do you feel safe when you spend time with..?
  • You seem to be feeling sad lately. Has something happened to upset you?

Get the facts without asking leading questions. An example of a leading question is, "Did you get that bruise because your dad hit you?" A better question would be, "That looks sore. How did you get that bruise?"

Use language that the person you support understands. They may not have the words to describe what's happening or how they feel about it. Communication may take time and patience.

If the person you assist needs support for communication, make sure the support they need is available when you talk.

If you are unable to communicate with the person about what happened you can talk to someone else who could help. For example, talk to an NDIS coordinator or another supporter. Tell them what you have seen. Share your worries and ask what they think.

Positive things to say and do

If someone tells you they have experienced violence or abuse:

  • Believe them. Even if you feel sceptical, keep an open mind. Being believed helps people and increases trust. When someone has experienced violence, belief can help them heal.
  • Listen. You can do good just by listening to someone talk about their experiences. If you need to have your opinions and feelings heard, find a good listener to talk to yourself! 
  • Be kind. Thank the person for sharing their experiences with you. Tell them they deserve good treatment. Let them know the violence or abuse they've experienced is not their fault. Just like belief, kindness builds trust. A kind response can ease the burden of a person in a difficult situation.
  • Don't blame. Even if you don't mean to, it's easy to make someone feel judged. Leaving a violent situation is hard. Many people delay taking action. Try to be understanding. If necessary, keep your thoughts to yourself. You can always vent to someone else afterwards if you need to.
  • Be honest. Keep the person you support informed about your actions at all times. If you report the problem to police or other authorities, let them know.
  • Find support. On this page you will find ideas you can share or access yourself if someone you know is experiencing violence or abuse. You do not have to tackle the problem alone. Learn about your options on the Neve page Helpline directory (internal link).

What not to do

  • Don’t tell the person they have to leave the situation now. Decisions about leaving are complicated. People choose to stay in violent situations for many reasons. You can learn more about this choice on the Neve page When you are not ready to leave (internal link). Everyone has the right to make decisions about their own lives, even if you do not agree with those decisions.
  • Don’t blame the person who is experiencing abuse or agree if they blame themselves. Abuse is never the fault of the person who experiences it.
  • Don’t tell the person how they should feel. People have all kinds of feelings about violence. They may feel angry, sad, confused or ashamed. They might love the person who hurt them. These are all normal feelings.
  • Don’t make them talk when they don’t want to. Instead, let them know that help is available. Tell them you'll listen to their story if they change their mind. Suggest they talk to someone else if they don’t want to talk to you.
  • Don’t focus on the person who has been violent. Don’t excuse the abuse, for example by blaming drugs or alcohol. Don’t talk about what a monster he or she is. Keep the focus on the person who needs your help, not the person who has hurt them.
  • Don’t ask too many questions. You probably want to understand the situation but asking too many questions is not helpful. Talking about violence and abuse requires the person to relive a difficult and upsetting experience. Be sensitive.
  • Don’t take over; instead, support their decision making. If someone tells you about something bad that has happened, it's natural to want to solve the problem. However, having a sense of control over our lives matters to us all. Ask the person experiencing violence what they would like to happen next. You can learn about how to be a respectful advocate on the Neve page Speaking up for the person I support (internal link). You can learn about supported decision making on the Neve page Supported decision making (internal link).

How to improve the safety of the person you support

There are many things you can do to help improve the safety of the person you support. Here is a list of suggestions. You should choose options that are right for you and the person you want to help.

Call 000 if you or anyone else is in immediate danger. If this makes you feel nervous or unsure, you can learn more about the process on the Neve page A guide to calling triple zero (000) (internal link).

Don't confront the violent person. It can make the situation worse. Instead, help and support the person they have hurt.

Find a safe time and place to ask the person who has been harmed about their experiences. Be calm. Don't judge. Remember, it is your job to offer support, not take over. Use the tip described above.

Support their choices. Ask the person experiencing violence what they would like to happen next. Offer to help them find information and learn about their options. You can learn how to:

Get help deciding what to do. The National Disability Abuse and Neglect Hotline works with callers to find appropriate ways to deal with reports of abuse and neglect of people with disabilities. To make a report, contact the Hotline on 1800 880 052 or email hotline@workfocus.com. If you do this, you should tell the person you support.

Encourage the person you support to seek help. They could talk to:

  • Someone they know and trust.
  • A helpline. You can find a list of numbers and resources on the Neve page Helpline directory (internal link).
  • A therapist or counsellor. Learn about the different options on the Neve page Counselling and therapy (internal link).
  • A local domestic violence shelter or support group. Learn more on the Neve page Getting help to be safe from violence and abuse (internal link).
  • Peer-supporters, people who have similar disabilities or experiences. You can help them find peer support by asking a helpline or searching the internet for a local service.
  • Self-advocacy groups. You can find self-advocacy groups and information on the Disability Australia Hub website (external link).

Help the person you support plan to be safe. A safety plan can help manage the risks of leaving a violent situation or relationship. Learn more on the Neve page How to be safe when you leave an abusive relationship (internal link).

Even if the person you support is not ready to leave, they can still plan to be safer. Learn more on the Neve page When you are not ready to leave a relationship (internal link).

Keep records of the bad behaviour. If it is safe, help the person you support save phone call logs, text messages, photos or other evidence. If they decide to go to the police later, they will have evidence to show them.

Help them plan how to manage their disability. If the person you support has been hurt by someone who helps them with the tasks of daily life, they may need to plan to have their care needs met outside that relationship. It can be very challenging. If you feel comfortable, let them know that you will help them think of solutions if they want. Help them plan what they could do if they need urgent support.

Help them gain financial independence. This can help them leave a violent situation when they are ready. Find positive steps to share with the person you support on the Neve page Help managing your money (internal link).

Give them information on their right to live free from violence. You can read more about the rights of people with disabilities on the Neve page Disability and discrimination (internal link).

Encourage them to look after themselves. Self-care helps us cope when times are tough. You can read more about self-care and looking after yourself on the Neve page Caring for yourself (internal link).

Help them learn about their legal options. If the person you support is interested, you could help them research legal tools such as restraining and protective orders. You can learn more about legal support in the Neve section Understanding the justice system (internal link).

Report the problem to authorities. You could call your local police. You could speak to a government organisation, like an Ombudsman or the Australian Human Rights Commission. If you report the problem, tell the person you support.

Call a helpline. Australia has many helplines that offer practical advice and support services for people experiencing violence or abuse. You can find a list of numbers and resources on the Neve page Helpline directory (internal link).

Talk to a service coordinator. This can be helpful if the person who has used violence provides a service for the person you support. It could be physiotherapy, gardening, cleaning or anything else in their NDIS plan. Help the person you support tell the service coordinator what happened and what they'd like to happen next, including whether they want their complaint to remain confidential.

Make a complaint to the NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission. If the person you support has been harmed by an NDIS provider, you can complain to the NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission. Learn more on the NDIS Commission website (external link).

Seek support for yourself. Hearing about violence is challenging. Talk to someone you trust. Tell the person you confide in what would and would not be helpful for you. For example, you might just want to talk. Or, you might want practical help. They should focus on you and what you need to be safer and feel supported.

Speak to a counsellor. If you have difficulties you can't manage alone, see a counsellor, therapist or psychologist. Learn about the different options on the Neve page Counselling and therapy (internal link).

1800 RESPECT

If you experience violence or abuse you can contact 1800 RESPECT for support and counselling.
Call 1800 737 732 or go to the 1800 RESPECT website to chat with someone online (external link).

‍To contact 1800RESPECT via SMS, text ‘HELLO’ or any greeting to 0458 737 732 to start the conversation.

Helplines

This section provides information about helplines - telephone and text services that offer help when you need it. Helplines can give you advice, understanding and links to practical support. Here, you can learn to choose a service that meets your needs and prepare for the call. We also share a list of helplines across Australia. If you have an emergency, call 000 (triple zero) to speak to the police or ambulance.

Find out more

How to support someone in a safe way

Supporting someone who is experiencing violence or abuse can be difficult, especially if you've never done it before. This page offers guidance on helping safely. It explains what to do and what to avoid.

Find out more

Resources.

May 7, 2024

|

Disability Advocacy Network Australia

Find an Advocate

Tools and information to help you find advocacy services in your state or territory.

Check resource

May 4, 2024

|

Disability Australia Hub

Self-advocacy

Self-advocacy is when someone with disability speaks up and represents themselves. This guide shows you how.

Check resource

May 4, 2024

|

Family Planning NSW

Disability resources

Family Planning NSW has a wide range of resources for people with intellectual disability and their support people, including parents and carers, disability workers, clinicians and students.

Check resource

May 4, 2024

|

Black Dog Institute

Healthy Mind

Healthy Mind is an online Easy Read tool for building good mental health.

Check resource

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How to talk about violence

This article helps the supporters of people with disabilities prepare for conversations about violence. It explains when it’s necessary to talk about violence. It offers tips on what to say and what to avoid.

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