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Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging, whether the relationship is romantic or not. Many people think you should leave immediately but that can be difficult. Here, we explain why people stay in abusive situations and how you can become safer even if you are not ready to leave. We describe how someone behaves if they are really ready to stop hurting you.
Whatever your reasons for staying, you deserve to be safe. The abuse you experience is not your fault. You can take small steps to make yourself safer now. Maybe you will be ready to leave in the future.
Most abusive relationships are not all bad, all the time. Often, there are calm, close times. However, after calmness comes tension, then violence. It could be physical violence, screaming and insults, or something else. Then the process begins again.
It's normal to hope for better days. The person who hurts you may be kind and caring sometimes. They might say that they'll never hurt you again. Wanting things to get better does not mean you want or deserve abuse.
People who have been abusive in the past sometimes stop. However, it can also get worse over time. Abuse does not stop unless the person:
Change is unlikely if they continue to blame you for the problem or make excuses for their bad behaviour. Even if someone wants to change, it is hard to do.
The best way to predict someone’s actions in the future is to think about how they have acted past.
People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They might love the person who hurt them. They might feel there are no other options. For people with disability, the person who hurts them may also support them in some ways. It makes it hard to leave.
Here are some of the main reasons people stay in abusive relationships:
Fear
Intimidation, threats, and physical violence are common in abusive relationships. You might fear more harm if you try to protect yourself. You might worry that you, or someone you know, will be harmed if you go. Fear of the unknown can make some people stay in an abusive relationship.
Money and daily care needs
The person who hurts you might also support you financially. They might be your carer, helping you with the tasks of daily life. Leaving may mean facing financial instability or poverty. It may require you to find a new supporter. These challenges are scary. Solutions can take time.
Lack of support
People who use violence often separate the person they hurt from friends and family. You might have limited support systems as a result. It can make leaving even harder. Perhaps you feel there is no one you can turn to for help.
Loyalty and love
Feelings are complicated. Many people in abusive relationships care about the person who hurts them. It's normal to believe or hope that people who use violence will change. If you leave, you may feel that you've given up on the relationship or the person. If they've done a lot for you in the past, you might feel guilty. Your heart might be broken.
Thinking you deserve it
Experiencing abuse can make you feel bad about yourself. Some people in violent situations believe they deserve the abuse. Or they may think they will never find anyone else who cares. These are normal feelings, but no one deserves abuse. Everyone deserves kindness and respect.
The first thing to do is to make sure you are safe right now. Look after your body and your emotions. If you are in danger, go to a safe place. Seek medical attention if you need it.
Then, take a deep breath. We're sorry you've had to deal with this. We hope the situation gets better. We know that experiencing violence or abuse can be confusing, intimidating, and stressful. People may try to make you believe it is your fault. Sometimes, leaving the situation is hard.
Remember that you are never to blame for bad behaviour. What happened to you is not your fault.
Here is a list of things you could do to improve your safety. You should choose the options that are right for you.
Having a disability can make it harder to escape violence and abuse. Limited mobility or social isolation might make it harder to get help. Moving out or getting away from the person who hurts you can seem impossible when money is in short supply. However, help is available.
Even if the person who hurt you is important to you, you can still get help. Many people are hurt by someone they know. It may be an intimate partner, a parent or carer, or someone else in authority, such as a health worker or service provider. You don't have to go to the police if you don't want to. Either way, support is available to keep you safe and help you recover.
Tori has been with her partner for 5 years. At the start of the relationship, Tori felt safe and happy. However, Tori's partner became verbally and emotionally abusive. Tori is now sad and scared more days than she is happy. Tori hopes that her partner will change back to the person they were when they first started dating. She doesn't feel ready to leave yet. How could she support herself? She only works 2 days a week. Tori talks to a financial counsellor who gives her information on what financial support she could access to help her if she decides to leave. Tori also seeks support from a domestic violence service. They work with Tori to develop a safety plan. For the first time, she has a safe space to talk about her experiences.
This section of the website lets you know where to go and what to do when you need help. People who've been hurt by violence will find advice here, but others will find it helpful, too. There is information about legal support, health services, money, sex and relationships and violence and abuse. If you are in a difficult situation and don't know what to do, the strategies here can make a difference.
Find out moreWe have many types of relationships, like with friends, romantic partners, family members and people we meet online. All these relationships can be healthy or unhealthy. Here, you can learn to tell the difference.
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May 13, 2024
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Patricia Giles Centre for Non-Violence
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Patricia Giles Centre for Non-Violence
A guide for women with disability and mothers of children with disability who have experience of family and domestic violence.
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If you are going to leave a relationship, deciding what to take with you is an important step in creating a safety plan. This checklist helps you plan what you may need to take if you need to leave.
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