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To date or not to date

Dating can be stressful.

People who've left an unhealthy or abusive relationship might be scared to date again.

People who've faced rejection or had few close relationships might worry that they don't know how to date.

Some people think that no one could love them. They might worry that they will never have a healthy, happy romantic relationship.

But everyone in our community deserves love, fun and pleasure. We hope you find the confidence to date if you want to.

People date for many different reasons. You might want to share good times. You might want to meet a new sexual partner. Maybe you're looking for the love of your life! Whatever you want out of dating, kindness and honesty are important.

What is safe dating?

Safe dating means being cautious at the start of a relationship. It helps you build trust and get to know your new partner. 

When you date safely, you:

  • Don't give out your home address straight away. Meet your date in a public place. Make it somewhere you feel comfortable and know other people will be present.
  • Tell someone you trust about your plans. They should know where you plan to be and who you plan to meet.
  • Take things slowly at first. Get to know someone before making big decisions, like saying they are your boyfriend or girlfriend. You don't have to have sex straight away, either.
  • Trust your feelings. You don't have to keep talking to anyone who makes you feel bad or worried. You don't have to meet up with people you don't trust. If you feel nervous, sad or scared, say no.
  • Don't share personal information or images with someone you don't know well. When you first meet someone, don't tell them your full name. Don't share nude photos, bank details, or tell them where you live. If someone asks for things like that, they may not be a safe person. This is true if you meet in person or online.

After an unhealthy or abusive relationship, go slow

If you're getting back into dating after leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship, be kind to yourself. It's normal to:

  • Feel nervous
  • Not trust people
  • Worry that you won't know how to act when someone treats you well.

Don't date again straight away. Time without dating can allow you to:

  • See friends and family. This is important if your ex-partner stopped you from seeing other people.
  • Get counselling. It can help you work through the pain and hurtful thoughts.
  • Fully end your last relationship. It's good to stop all contact if you can.
  • Make plans to keep yourself safe. If you do need to see your ex-partner sometimes, plan how to be safe.
  • Look after yourself. Caring for yourself is good for recovery. You can learn more on the Neve page about Caring for yourself (internal link).
  • Learn about healthy relationships. That way, you'll find people who treat you with the love and respect you deserve. A good place to start is the Neve page Is my relationship healthy? (internal link).
  • Learn to love yourself. Being in a relationship with someone who hurts you can make you feel bad about yourself. You did nothing wrong. You deserve good things.
  • Get in touch with your feelings. Feelings can help you know who to trust. Learn to listen to your own wisdom.

When you date again, get to know your next partner slowly. That way, you can see how they act in different situations, like when they feel angry.

Dating with disability

Dating with a disability isn't always easy. People with disabilities are sometimes treated unfairly.

Remember, you are a sexy and interesting person whose disability is just one part of who you are.

Focus on what you love about yourself. Confidence is sexy. When we focus on our strengths, others see our strengths, too.

Share stories with family and friends. Even a dating disaster can feel funny when you share it with good friends.

Don't tolerate bad behaviour, online or in person. You deserve to be treated well. If bad behaviour happens in person, leave. You deserve better! If it happens online:

  • Copy the message
  • Block the person so they can't contact you again
  • Report the problem to the app you've used. Send them the message you copied.

Look for people with shared interests. They don't have to have the same disability as you.

Technology can help you find someone to date. For example, there are chat sites and apps for people with disabilities. The SECCA website has an online dating brochure for people with intellectual disabilities (external link). 

Look for community events like meet-ups, speed dating and discos. Anywhere you meet new people, you might find someone to date.

When you feel comfortable, talk about your disability. Let the person you date know how it affects your life. Ask yourself:

  • Can I trust this person to be kind?
  • Can I trust this person to respect me?
  • Will they try to take over?
  • Will they listen to what I need and want?
  • Will they support me?

Watch how your date responds when you face challenges. If they can't cope, they may not be a safe person.

Make sure you haven't missed out on sex education. Some people with disabilities don't learn about sex. Talk to a GP or health worker if:

  • You don't know how to have safe sex
  • You don't know how to prevent pregnancy.

Finally, have fun. You're amazing! You deserve all the good things!

1800 RESPECT

If you experience violence or abuse you can contact 1800 RESPECT for support and counselling.
Call 1800 737 732 or go to the 1800 RESPECT website to chat with someone online (external link).

‍To contact 1800RESPECT via SMS, text ‘HELLO’ or any greeting to 0458 737 732 to start the conversation.

Getting the most out of life

This section is about empowerment and wellbeing. Here, you can find information and tools to help you get the most out of life. You can learn about healthy relationships and setting boundaries. We also share ideas about how to cope when life is hard.

Find out more

How to be safe online

Online spaces help us connect with the world. We can be online activists or learners. We can find entertainment. However, safety is a concern. People with disabilities face unique challenges. Here, we share tips to help you stay safe online. We describe common risks people encounter. We explain how to protect yourself and others.

Find out more

Resources.

May 4, 2024

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Headspace

Body scan meditation to reduce stress

Here’s everything you need to know about body scan meditation — including how to do it.

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May 4, 2024

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Participate Australia

Making Money Easy

A tool to support children, teens and adults with mild to moderate intellectual disability to learn basic counting and money handling skills.

Check resource

May 4, 2024

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Disability Australia Hub

Self-advocacy

Self-advocacy is when someone with disability speaks up and represents themselves. This guide shows you how.

Check resource

May 7, 2024

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Touching Base

Booklets For People With Disability

Resources and information for people with disability about seeing a sex worker.

Check resource

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Dating

When people date, they try a romantic relationship. They have fun together. Sometimes dating is sexual, sometimes not. It can be hard if you've had bad experiences or never dated before. Here, we share tips to date safely and with confidence.

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