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When is consent needed?

Consent is needed before and during sex. It is more than a single yes or no. Sexual partners should keep talking to each other during sexual activity, to make sure they have consent.

You should seek consent from your partner before and during:

  • Kissing.
  • Sending sexual messages or images by text message or an app.
  • Sexual touching, like stroking someone or touching breasts, genitals or buttocks. Genitals can be called "private parts". It means body parts like the vulva, penis and testicles.
  • Changing from one type of sexual contact to another, for example from kissing to sexual touching.
  • Not using birth control, like condoms.
  • Having sex with penetration, which is when someone puts a body part or object in someone else's vagina, anus or mouth.
Talking about consent can lead to healthy, respectful, safe and fun sexual experiences. Conversations about consent build trust and can be really sexy!

Even if you’ve had sex with someone before, it doesn't mean you have to have sex with them again. Every time you have sex, it’s a new conversation.

Who needs consent?

Everyone who wants to be sexual with other people needs to get consent. Consent is needed in all relationships. This includes when you:

  • Are married or with a long-term partner.
  • Are queer or straight.
  • Have a disability or don't have a disability, no matter who you’re having sex with.
  • Date.
  • Hook up, or have casual sex.
  • Flirt online.
  • Want to turn a friendship into 'friends-with-benefits', meaning friends who do sexual things together.

Things that are NOT consent

People do all kinds of things that may seem sexy or sexual to others, but this is not the same as saying “yes” to sex.

Examples of things that do NOT mean consent include:

  • Flirting.
  • Wearing revealing clothes such as a short skirt or mesh top.
  • Having had sex with someone in the past. Saying yes once is not the same as saying yes again.
  • Saying yes to one thing. For example, saying yes to kissing does not mean someone has said yes to sexual touching.

 

How to respond if someone does not consent to sex

If someone says no to sex, you might feel disappointed, upset or even angry. Feelings are ok; it is actions that matter.

When someone says no, you should always respect their decision. It is the right thing to do.

Before you ask someone for sex, plan how you will respond if they say no. It can help you behave well.

You could say:

  • Thanks for telling me.
  • I’m glad you were honest.
  • Is there anything you’d like to do instead?
  • Ok, I’m going to go home then.

Nobody is allowed to make you feel bad for saying no to sex. You shouldn't make someone else feel bad for saying no, either.

How to give consent

The first step in giving consent to sexual activity is deciding whether or not you want to take part.

Ask yourself:

  • Am I turned on or feeling horny?
  • Do I feel safe?
  • Is this person someone I want to be close to?
  • Do I feel comfortable with sexual activity here and now?
  • Does that sound sexy to me?
  • Will I regret this later? For example, how will I feel if someone posts intimate photos I’ve shared with them online?
  • Do I trust this person?
  • Does that feel good?
  • What is my intuition or body telling me?

 Then, use your words. You can say things like:

  • Yes, I’d like to do that.
  • I want to…
  • That sounds fun but I don’t want to do it now. I’ll tell you if and when I want to.
  • I’d rather do…
  • I like it when you…
  • Yes, I’ll send a picture, but it won’t have my face in it.

You can also show that you feel good by:

  • Touching the other person with their consent, of course!
  • Making eye contact.
  • Nodding.
  • Moaning.
  • Using your body in other ways to show your interest.

If you don’t want to have sex or be sexual, say so clearly. Examples of things you could say include:

  • Not today.
  • No, I don’t want to.
  • I’d rather…
  • Thanks but I don’t feel that way about you.

It is always your right to say no to sexual activity that you do not want.

How to ask for consent

The person you want to have sex with must be freely able to say yes or no. According to the law in Australia:

  • The legal age for sex is 16 or 17. The states and territories have different rules. Check which age your state requires.
  • You can't have sex in public.
  • People can only give consent if they are sober, alert and able to communicate. If someone has drunk alcohol or taken drugs, it can be hard to tell if they consent to sex. If you do not get clear consent, assume that the answer is "no".
  • In order to say "yes," people must understand what they are agreeing to do.

Then, you need to use words that describe what you’d like to do together. You can say or text things like:

  • Would you like to…?
  • Can I touch your…?
  • Can we keep doing…?
  • Can we try…?
  • Is this still ok?
  • I want to have sex with you. Are you interested?
  • Can I send you a picture of…?
  • Would you like to sext with me? Sexting means exchanging sexy texts.

Be specific when you ask for sex. For example, someone might want to have sex in the vagina but not in the anus. Saying “yes” to sex in the vagina does not mean they’ve said yes to other types of sex. If you want to try something, describe it.

You should also pay attention to body language, which is the way we communicate with our bodies. People who have said "yes" show that they mean it when they:

  • Smile.
  • Look happy and relaxed.
  • Say things like, "I like that."
  • Touch you, too.

Signs that someone does not want to have sex can include:

  • Lying still and not moving or saying anything.
  • Looking shocked or scared.
  • Not making eye contact.
  • Pushing you away.
  • Crying or looking upset. 

If you are doing sexual things with someone who seems upset, uncomfortable or out of it, stop. Ask them how they’re feeling. Let them know that it is ok to take a break, go your separate ways, or find something else to do together. If someone is not awake, they cannot give consent. People cannot give consent if they are drunk or strongly affected by drugs.

1800 RESPECT

If you experience violence or abuse you can contact 1800 RESPECT for support and counselling.
Call 1800 737 732 or go to the 1800 RESPECT website to chat with someone online (external link).

‍To contact 1800RESPECT via SMS, text ‘HELLO’ or any greeting to 0458 737 732 to start the conversation.

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This section is about empowerment and wellbeing. Here, you can find information and tools to help you get the most out of life. You can learn about healthy relationships and setting boundaries. We also share ideas about how to cope when life is hard.

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Consent

Sexual consent is an agreement between two or more people about sexual activity. When people give consent to sex, everyone understands what they’re doing, wants to be doing it and knows they can stop at any time if they change their mind.

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