The basics of consent education

The most effective way to teach sexual consent is to show how consent works in non-sexual situations. Spend time planning how to use consent in your professional practice. You could role-play situations like:

"Hey, I'm in the mood for some loud music today. I was thinking about playing Taylor Swift from my speaker in the kitchen. How would you feel about that? I can turn it down if it's too loud. We can pick the music together if you don't feel like Tay-Tay. I can see that you're reading your book, so I understand if it's not the right time. I can use my headphones. What do you think?"   

In this example, much care has been taken to provide all the relevant information, consider the other person's feelings, and tell them it's safe to say no or stop. 

It's also important to explain what sexual consent should look and feel like. You could say something like:

"Consent means you ask before you start, and the other person asks you before they start. It means that everyone has said "Yes". Everyone agrees. Everyone is happy and excited. Everyone feels good. Everyone can say "No" if they want. They can say, "Stop now". People listen to each other. They pay attention to what feels good. If someone is sad or worried, everyone stops."  

Strategies for trauma-informed consent education

All consent education must be trauma-informed. This means that it is:

• Safe.
• Trustworthy.
• Collaborative, which means you work with the person you're teaching.
• Freely chosen by participants.
• Empowering.

People should use trauma-informed rules during consent education to avoid causing harm.

Before discussing consent with your client, ensure they consent to the conversation. Tell them what you'll discuss and set up an easy 'out' option. For example, you could use:

• A safe word, such as "mushrooms" or "pass." If your client says the safe word, the conversation stops.
• A hand signal that means "I need a break" or "Can we change the subject?"

They may not use the word or signal, but you've given them the option. 

Ask lots of open questions. This allows you to check what your client understands as you talk. Avoid making assumptions about what they want to learn. Don't assume they are or are not sexually active. Remember that asexual people (people who have low or no sexual desire) need good consent education to help protect them from sexual and family violence.

Include everyone by using neutral terms and examples. For example, do not assume your client is only interested in hetero sex (sex between a man and woman), even if they identify as heterosexual. The Genderbread Person is a fantastic resource on gender and sexuality. You can access it here (external link).

If you're comfortable, say what pronouns you prefer, like she/her, them/they or he/him. This shows that you are inclusive. You can ask your client which pronouns they prefer, just be aware that they may not want to share their pronouns if they aren't ready to be public about it. This includes when you're in a group setting or around other people. If this is the case, consider using their name rather than a pronoun.

Be ready to receive a disclosure of sexual harm. Talking about consent often raises issues of past experiences where there was no consent, like rape or unwanted touching. If your client tells you they have been harmed, listen with empathy and without judging. Later, seek support from a supervisor. Talking about what happened can help you avoid vicarious trauma, which is when someone else's trauma has a big impact on you.

Self-care. Check in with yourself before starting consent education. Talking about consent can bring up complicated feelings, especially if you've had bad experiences in the past. Learn how to recognise your stress responses and change the topic if you need to. 

Be kind to yourself if you make a mistake. Remember that most people, including you, have no formal consent education. If you get something wrong, revisit and correct it. If an apology is necessary, offer it, but don't assume you need to. We are all human. We make mistakes.

When is consent needed?

Before any sexually intimate act, there should be a conversation about agreement or permission. 

Intimacy is anything that makes us feel close to another.

Sexual intimacy:

• Involves the private parts of the body.
• Can happen face-to-face in real time.
• Can also happen via technology, like a smart phone or computer.

Before sexual intimacy, you need consent.

Everyone can practise consent 

Tell your client that they can practise consent with intimate non-sexual behaviours like:

• Deep and meaningful chats
• Gifts
• Compliments
• Personal questions.

Non-sexual consent is a powerful tool for building intimacy or closeness with other people. Over time, practising consent might help your client find a partner, girlfriend or boyfriend! 

It would help if you also talked to your client about body language. Let them know they cannot rely on body language alone to tell them if someone consents to something. Body language can add to verbal consent but doesn't replace it.

Some people say yes when they mean no. If someone says "yes" but looks sad or scared, tell your client to treat it as a "no". This is true of consent about all kinds of things, not just sex.

We talk more about saying yes but meaning no in the section on recognising enthusiasm. It is essential learning for people who struggle to read social cues and body language.  

Consent is more than just saying yes

The FRIES model of consent was developed by Planned Parenthood in America. You can access it here (external link). Use it to talk to your client about consent.

FRIES helps us remember that consent should be:

F – Freely given. There is no unfair power imbalance, pressure or tricks. You can talk about peer pressure, gifts that come with expectations, or the false idea that you have to have sex with your partner or spouse whenever they want. 

R – Reversible. You can change your mind at any time. Consent does not only happen at the beginning of sex. It is ongoing throughout the sexual experience. Seek agreement before every new position or act.

I – Informed. Everyone knows what they are agreeing to. Remember that sex can mean different things to different people. If the terms of the agreement aren't met, then there is no consent. For example, suppose you have agreed to have sex using a condom. If your partner wants to take off the condom during sex, they have to ask first. They need your consent.

E – Enthusiastic. Use visual aids to show what excitement and enthusiasm look like. Talk about how it feels to be excited and enthusiastic. Let your client know that anything other than smiling and happy should be treated as a no.

S - Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn't mean you've said yes to others (like having sex).

Coping with rejection

Most people fear rejection. It hurts. It feels awkward. It can be hard to say "No." It can be hard to hear "No." Rejection feels so bad that some people avoid practising really good consent. Some people feel like they have to say "Yes". Some people do sexual things without asking. Both these things can lead to sexual harm. Teaching your client to cope with rejection is vital. 

Before your client seeks consent, encourage them to plan what they will do:

• If the person says no
• If the person says yes. 

If your client finds it hard to say no, tell them they are not responsible for anyone else's pleasure. Encourage your client to practice saying no. They could say things like:

• Not today.
• No, I don't want to.
• I'd rather…
• Thanks, but I don't feel that way about you.
• I don't feel like it. Why don't you find somewhere private to masturbate?

If your client experiences rejection, remind them that respecting other people's right to say "No" is always right. Let them know that most people feel rejected sometimes. Validate their feelings. Tell them it's okay to feel disappointed, sad, or upset. However, they should always treat others with respect.

If someone says no to sex, your client could say:

• Thanks for telling me.
• I'm glad you were honest.
• Is there anything you'd like to do instead?
• Okay, I will go to my room or my house now. 

Practising these statements with you beforehand could help your client behave well when they face rejection. 

Remind your client that if they feel very frustrated or aroused, they can find somewhere private to masturbate.

If your client feels very upset after facing rejection, they could seek support by talking to someone who was not involved in the situation. A support worker could be an appropriate choice. 

Rejection can be more complex with ND

Some ND people experience intense emotional pain from rejection, criticism, disappointment, or failure to live up to an expectation. It can lead to unhealthy coping strategies such as people-pleasing, avoidance, and numbing. It can get in the way of consent, especially for the partners of people who take rejection so badly. They may agree to sex to avoid hurting their partner's feelings. 

A skilled specialist can support someone who struggles to cope with rejection. They should focus on:

• Teaching them about the issue.
• Noticing triggers and patterns.
• Improving communication skills.
• Other coping strategies. 

If your client finds rejection very difficult, let them know that it's a common problem. Therapy or counselling can help.

Progress Slowly

Sometimes, people say no because they are not ready for a specific sex act. You could talk to your client about this possibility if it's appropriate.

For example, imagine your client asked someone to have sex with them. If the person said no but did not seem offended or scared, your client could ask if they want to try something less intimate instead. They could:

• Have a conversation about what the other person wants.
• Suggest things like hugs, kisses or holding hands.

Recognising enthusiasm

In most Australian states and territories, laws about consent say that consent is only present when there is an enthusiastic "yes".

The absence of "no" is NOT consent.

People may say "yes" to sexual intimacy because they are frightened and feel that saying "yes" will keep them safe. Talk to your client about how to recognise enthusiastic consent. 

Enthusiastic consent is likely present if someone says yes and:

• Smiles.
• Looks happy and relaxed.
• Says things like, "I like that."
• Touches your client, too.
• Sounds turned on and groans or moans with pleasure.

If your client is not sure, they should ask their partner if they're enjoying it.

Enthusiastic consent is NOT present if someone says yes but:

• Pushes your client away (a fight response).
• Tries to leave the situation (a flight response).
• Stops moving or becomes non-responsive (a freeze response).
• Only wants to avoid being hurt if they say no (a fawning response).

Understanding these responses helps us recognise when someone may not be giving enthusiastic and voluntary consent to sexual activity.

It's important to communicate openly, respect boundaries, and ensure that consent is freely given and ongoing.

When to say "Yes", "No", or "Stop"

Our bodies tell us if we want to consent to sex based on whether we feel safe or not. Anything you can do to help clients connect with their body's sense of "safe" and "not safe" will help them know when they want to consent. This includes giving them words to help them talk about safety.

Being able to notice and interpret internal body sensations helps us recognise and understand our emotions. For instance, increased heart rate and shallow breathing might tell us we are anxious or excited.

For people with ND, body sensations may be harder to interpret. It can lead to difficulties in recognising and responding to what the body "says". This affects: 

• Self-awareness 
• Emotional regulation, or managing feelings
• Overall well-being. 

A trained specialist or therapist can help your client understand messages from their body better. This usually takes time and can be difficult, but the benefits are enormous. People can learn:

• How our bodies keep us safe 
• Mindfulness practices that help to connect the mind and the body, like body scans, mindful breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation.
• Body awareness practices like yoga, tai chi, or dance therapy. 
• Emotional regulation skills training, like identifying triggers, recognising early signs of emotional distress, and using coping strategies to manage intense emotions.

Some ND clients may benefit from visual aids like diagrams or drawings to illustrate the connection between emotions and body sensations. Metaphors like "emotional thermometer" can also help them get to know their internal state.

Let your client know it's okay to feel whatever they feel. Create a safe, non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable exploring and expressing their internal experiences.

Self-reflection activities like journaling can help people with ND pay attention to their bodily sensations and emotions in different situations. It's a great way to learn about yourself.

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Additional resources to support this guide

• The Genderbread Person is a fantastic resource on gender and sexuality. You can access it here (external link).
• The FRIES model of consent was developed by Planned Parenthood in America. You can access it here (external link).

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